How to approach other American kids?

Mybaby

(Sorry, I cannot type Chinese.) My older daughter was born in US and she is 5 and half years old now. This coming fall she will be in kindergarden. Up to now, she only went half day pre-K. After school, she stayed at home with me, my husband and her younger sister. During the afternoon, our whole family will go outside to have about two-hour quality time. Her personality is very easygoing, sensitive and obedient and more mature than her age. The reason I need help here is not because there is any problem for my daughter's personalty. She is an emotionally and intellectually healthy girl.


Several days ago, she mentioned to me something bothered her during the past year.

The following is our conversation:

D: Mum, Why I did not have any best best friends in Pre - K class. I hope I could have hundreds of best friends.
M: I know you like friends. Friends are very important in our life.
D: I feel they didnot like me. ( Tell you the truth, I did not feel good when I heard it.)
M: You feel they did not like you and did not want to play with you.

D: No. Some of them wanted to be my friends. But I did not want to play the way they played. So I refused. I wanted to play Pretend-to-be baby with Belly. But when I asked her if she  wanted to play with me. She did not even want to talk to me. She acted like she did not like me.

M: When you wanted to play with her, her response made you feel sad. You are sure she got your meaning (I know I shouldn't ask this way.)

D: Yeah, she did not say ' Could you say it again?'. She just acted like I was nobody. ( Now, I feel sad about it too.) Mum, I like school. How can I approach them and let them play with me? Every time when they talk to me, I listen very carefully and I was very nice to them. Why when I wanted to talk to them, they didn't want to  listen.



She is very sad about it. Me too.


Actually her communication skill and her personality make her a very good playmate. She is respectful, patient and nice.  She never had any similar problem when she played with other Chinese children. She could approach other Chinese kids easily and had lots of fun. But at school Asian is minority and plus  her English is not so good. she seems having some difficulty to approach or to find American friends. (There are only three Asain girls, my daughter, two Koren girls. One of the Koren girl liked my daughter very much and always followed her  and played with her. The girl's mum also told me her daughter liked my daughter most in the class. When I asked my daughter, she told me the girl is only her playmate not her best friend.) She seems not very satisfied with current situation. And obviously, her definition of friends is more than that of her age.


My concern are below:

Is this already a big issue or not? We should involved to help her or wait for her to learn to deal with it?

If I should help her, how I can help my daughter get more involved with her wanted classmates? (She always talks softly. When the kids are cray playing, it is hard to get the attention.)


Our family background is: after school or work, almost all of our friends are from Asian. I and my husband are not social animals. Her personality is very like us. We don't feel there is any wrong with the personality but obviously we don't want our daughter to be separated from other American kids since she will stay here for her life. So please please help me and let me know what you think about it.

Thanks a lot!

爱无言

"那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊" Wrong. They are searching a way that is really painful but nothing left. Anybody here tried bamboo or not. If you tried, tell me how it feels?
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 22:41

打孩子还不留下痕迹，只能是打的轻的，当然还有内功，呵呵，你去告诉他们，咱们中国人的内功，让他们来雇佣中国人去教！;P

我没打过孩子，听到过邻居们讨论孩子们怎么气死人，忍不住打，怎么打的问题...


你说的美国的这些情况，好的坏的也都在情理之中啊！甚至也没啥好的坏的...就如你发现的他们的孩子的特点似的，我们的孩子他们的孩子各自有特点，来自的文化背景生活方式都不一样吗。看看大家都有还有什么异同，也挺有意思。;P

Mybaby

From above we can see so called advanced is only exterior, part of them are far behind us on kids raising and self accomplishment.
小和和妈 发表于 2010-7-1 02:11

For me it is hard to tell which way is better. Theirs or us.

Their kids are more playful, more physical active, more self centered, have more street smart than Chinese kids. Our kids have good sides too. Don't you think so?

US appear to be  "richer" than us. Richer side can take advantage of poorer side. Richer side can win admiration easier. Try to imagine. US is not the big brother now. China is. The people all over the world may admire ours at that time.

Mybaby

这几点比较起来，打屁股还是稍好点哎！那些人在讨论怎样打孩子能不在孩子身上留下於痕，那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊，呵呵，打孩子和虐待孩子确实还是有区别的，我们老家的人几乎没有不打孩子的，但 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-7-1 14:18

"那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊" Wrong. They are searching a way that is really painful but nothing left. Anybody here tried bamboo or not. If you tried, tell me how it feels?

Mybaby

呵呵，谢谢你告诉我你看到的美国。看来你对这个国家好像很失望？
爱无言 发表于 2010-7-1 14:12

.

They have both sides. You know lots of good side. There is no need for me to tell you.

Disappointed for US? Why? US is not my motherland. I am not disappointed. I only feel "Wow, I am so naive."

爱无言

"他们不打脸，不拧耳朵，主要打屁股"

These are mentioned in the church program too. They said the parents should spank the part covered by the clothes. In that way, the child dignity won't be damaged ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 13:39

这几点比较起来，打屁股还是稍好点哎！那些人在讨论怎样打孩子能不在孩子身上留下於痕，那也就是他们也在想怎样能较轻的打孩子啊，呵呵，打孩子和虐待孩子确实还是有区别的，我们老家的人几乎没有不打孩子的，但是真正虐待孩子的还是少数的，这里面绝不是谁打了谁就虐待了...以前以为美国的法律是只要家长打一下就要被判虐待孩子罪，觉得很不适合中国，现在看来美国的法律也是遵从各个州的文化和习惯的...

爱无言

在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31

You are very naive.

They may call police if they really hate you. One of my friends actua ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-7-1 13:28

呵呵，谢谢你告诉我你看到的美国。看来你对这个国家好像很失望？

Mybaby

"他们不打脸，不拧耳朵，主要打屁股"

These are mentioned in the church program too. They said the parents should spank the part covered by the clothes. In that way, the child dignity won't be damaged.

Mybaby

在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31 [/quote]

You are very naive.

They may call police if they really hate you. One of my friends actually abuse his son, not spanking, yes abuse. He kick him like kick a ball. Lots of people know it. Nobody will call police for the boy's sake. If somebody reports the abuse, the boy will be taken away from his parents and put in foster family. The boy's life will be ruined forever. 90% foster family are not decent family. What the boy will face is not only kicking.  The US government will pay foster family 300$ per month for one kid. There is no love, no care, maybe still abuse. Social workers will go to foster family to check once a while, not often. What you think they can find out? Nothing. This is just routine work. Sometimes even if the social workers sense something, they may open one eye and close the other if not too obvious. Life is not what you see in movies. people may not be what they appear to be.

Mybaby

呵呵，你所在是什么州？ 看来美国法律如何解释虐待儿童也是有很多空间的，你们这个天主教为主的州，打儿童就不是虐待儿童，和我们中国的文化差不多唉！
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 23:35

That is why I feel human are same all over the world. You just see part of the truth. Part of the truth is not truth.

Mybaby

baidu了一下http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4ca60b2d0100be3i.html
呵呵，地图上南部基本都是红的，是允许打屁股的。
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 23:39

Yes. We are in one of them and worst of them. There is a lot of gray area between spanking and abuse. From my view, if you spank your kids and nothing physical harm left, that is called discipline. If not, that is abuse. Maybe that is why they were exchanging their spanking experience to avoid leaving any black and blue in body.

小和和妈

From above we can see so called advanced is only exterior, part of them are far behind us on kids raising and self accomplishment.

爱无言

baidu了一下http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4ca60b2d0100be3i.html
呵呵，地图上南部基本都是红的，是允许打屁股的。

爱无言

呵呵，你所在是什么州？ 看来美国法律如何解释虐待儿童也是有很多空间的，你们这个天主教为主的州，打儿童就不是虐待儿童，和我们中国的文化差不多唉！

Mybaby

是不是美国的法律对虐待孩子罪如此执行严格和敏感（相比咱们国家），和这个天主教的陋习有关？

这样子体罚孩子发泄情绪，会加重了父母的情绪化的......在美国，邻居不报警吗？
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:31

It depends on which state you are in. Some state is illegal. I check the state law, in this state, it is legal for parents, teachers to spank kids as a way of discipline. But abuse kids is illegal. It is definitely related to religion.

爱无言

是不是美国的法律对虐待孩子罪如此执行严格和敏感（相比咱们国家），和这个天主教的陋习有关？

这样子体罚孩子发泄情绪，会加重了父母的情绪化的......在美国，邻居不报警吗？

Mybaby

43# Mybaby  

:lol

这和咱们这里的父母说，“会脏了我的手！”是不是异曲同工，给孩子的感受相同？

也笑不起了了！:(
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 14:18

I don't know how her boy feels. He became more tolerant to spanking. When he was one years old, her mom spanked not very hard and he would listen to her. Now 4 yrs old, she need to spank him very very hard. This state child-abuse-to death rate is on top list of US. Maybe some parent are out of control and accidentally kill their kids.

爱无言

43# Mybaby

:lol

这和咱们这里的父母说，“会脏了我的手！”是不是异曲同工，给孩子的感受相同？

也笑不起了了！:(

Mybaby

看楼主描述的和当地教堂的父母聊，挺有意思的！;P
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-30 09:49

Nod! They are super Christians. The bible says if the kids challenge parents, they should get spanked. One of them brought her son to play in my house,
the boy played a kind of rough. She asked me if I had long wood spoon or not.  She wanted to spank him. I said why not use you hand. She said the pastor said hands are for love, should use bamboo to spank.

爱无言

看楼主描述的和当地教堂的父母聊，挺有意思的！;P