How to approach other American kids?

Mybaby

(Sorry, I cannot type Chinese.) My older daughter was born in US and she is 5 and half years old now. This coming fall she will be in kindergarden. Up to now, she only went half day pre-K. After school, she stayed at home with me, my husband and her younger sister. During the afternoon, our whole family will go outside to have about two-hour quality time. Her personality is very easygoing, sensitive and obedient and more mature than her age. The reason I need help here is not because there is any problem for my daughter's personalty. She is an emotionally and intellectually healthy girl.


Several days ago, she mentioned to me something bothered her during the past year.

The following is our conversation:

D: Mum, Why I did not have any best best friends in Pre - K class. I hope I could have hundreds of best friends.
M: I know you like friends. Friends are very important in our life.
D: I feel they didnot like me. ( Tell you the truth, I did not feel good when I heard it.)
M: You feel they did not like you and did not want to play with you.

D: No. Some of them wanted to be my friends. But I did not want to play the way they played. So I refused. I wanted to play Pretend-to-be baby with Belly. But when I asked her if she  wanted to play with me. She did not even want to talk to me. She acted like she did not like me.

M: When you wanted to play with her, her response made you feel sad. You are sure she got your meaning (I know I shouldn't ask this way.)

D: Yeah, she did not say ' Could you say it again?'. She just acted like I was nobody. ( Now, I feel sad about it too.) Mum, I like school. How can I approach them and let them play with me? Every time when they talk to me, I listen very carefully and I was very nice to them. Why when I wanted to talk to them, they didn't want to  listen.



She is very sad about it. Me too.


Actually her communication skill and her personality make her a very good playmate. She is respectful, patient and nice.  She never had any similar problem when she played with other Chinese children. She could approach other Chinese kids easily and had lots of fun. But at school Asian is minority and plus  her English is not so good. she seems having some difficulty to approach or to find American friends. (There are only three Asain girls, my daughter, two Koren girls. One of the Koren girl liked my daughter very much and always followed her  and played with her. The girl's mum also told me her daughter liked my daughter most in the class. When I asked my daughter, she told me the girl is only her playmate not her best friend.) She seems not very satisfied with current situation. And obviously, her definition of friends is more than that of her age.


My concern are below:

Is this already a big issue or not? We should involved to help her or wait for her to learn to deal with it?

If I should help her, how I can help my daughter get more involved with her wanted classmates? (She always talks softly. When the kids are cray playing, it is hard to get the attention.)


Our family background is: after school or work, almost all of our friends are from Asian. I and my husband are not social animals. Her personality is very like us. We don't feel there is any wrong with the personality but obviously we don't want our daughter to be separated from other American kids since she will stay here for her life. So please please help me and let me know what you think about it.

Thanks a lot!

爱无言

:hug: My daughter is same age as yours. 看来你能看中文的，英文说的也不如中文流，这里还中文吧！;P

这样的年龄的女孩子出现这样的交友的困扰是非常normal的，我女儿类似的整日里也很多的。总是觉得谁不和她好了，因为这个有时候就不愿去幼儿园，两个女孩子一起玩还行，一旦三个就会有问题，有一个就要受冷落.....


总的感觉，女孩子因为对情感关系比男孩子重视，所以女孩子的人际交往上的困扰出于这点的需要的，她们都敏感，对情感的渴望要大，安全感似乎就反应在是否被接纳上，朋友就似乎代表着是否被接纳。这点可能是导致女孩子的人际更敏感的最主要原因的。

还有就是孩子的人际交往也是移情的，她们会对自己的朋友产生移情，和她们交往的模式就和父母交往似的，还有父母的潜意识里的很微妙的情绪情节，反而会影响孩子，呈现出来。

假设猜测的，可能很多亚洲父母很想融入主流文化，和白人交往，但是潜意识里其实对此点反而是恐惧担心的，那么孩子就会感受到这点，会应现在人际交往上。

我这纯粹一种假设，仅提供一种思路，听其他妈妈们支招吧。

然妈

孩子到这个pre-k还不久吧？时间长一点也许就慢慢有好朋友了。能不能邀请别的孩子到家里玩，给她们创造多接触的机会？  交朋友是个需要时间的事，也许别的小朋友本来就比较熟，人家关系“铁”，新来的不容易插进
去。我觉得重要的是让孩子有好朋友，不一定非得是美国孩子，如果她已经有亚洲孩子作朋友了，就多多联系，缓解她对朋友的焦渴。还有那个韩国孩子，既然是很好的玩伴，不如就加把劲，多约几次playdate，变成最好的朋友，不是很好吗？ 你的问题是“怎么接近美国孩子”，说明你心里还是按照民族划分了一下，这个划分是你的，不是孩子的，孩子现在需要的只是朋友而已。

琳0824

:hug: My daughter is same age as yours. 看来你能看中文的，英文说的也不如中文流，这里还中文吧！;P

这样的年龄的女孩子出现这样的交友的困扰是非常normal的，我女儿类似的整日里也很多的。总是觉得谁不和她好 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-10 16:15

老爱,我觉得你这开头的话,简直是多余.

Mybaby

Thank you so much for your answer. This is the first time I ask for help here and I am very happy to see it.  

She seldom complained to us and  even if she met the similar situation she only described it as if it did not bother her. This is the first time she told me she got separated at school. When she plays with Chinese kids, she coordinated very well.  

"假设猜测的，可能很多亚洲父母很想融入主流文化，和白人交往，但是潜意识里其实对此点反而是恐惧担心的，那么孩子就会感受到这点，会应现在人际交往上。"  

On the contrary, for both of us, we don't have this situation. We have been here for ten years. My husband is a professor and I was a student. After having my precious, I gave up my Phd and stayed at home to be a housewife so I can take better care of my family. Both of us are family guy. We seldom wanted to socialize  with other White people. Actually, we don't have too much desire to get involved into their culture, either. (If we want, we can attend Church activity.) For some reason, we see both upside and downside of both cultures. Both of us think, we should keep Chinese culture at home. We eat Chinese food and only speak Chinese at home and when we are reading stories, we translate them into Chinese. So although she was born here, she does not look like an ABC. (Her Chinese (oral) is very good. But her English is not.) Once she told me, at school one unknown boy came to her and said " I hate Chinese." I told her It was very very mean to say that and there is nothing wrong to be a Chinese and Daddy and mom are very proud of being Chinese. Then she said "But I am not Chinese. I am American."


I will continue and talk to you later. I have to wake my daughters up. We will attend a library kid activity one hour later. So they have to eat something before we leave.

I am very pleased to talk with you and  thank you for your comments and help. If there is any mom can let me know your ideas (Any kind), I am very appreciated it.

Mybaby

孩子到这个pre-k还不久吧？时间长一点也许就慢慢有好朋友了。能不能邀请别的孩子到家里玩，给她们创造多接触的机会？  交朋友是个需要时间的事，也许别的小朋友本来就比较熟，人家关系“铁”，新来的不容易插进
去。 ...
然妈 发表于 2010-6-10 21:40

You may misunderstand my question. She has lots of friends and playmates. But almost all of them are internationals since our friends are international. She has no problem to approach international kids. Only American kids she feels lack of confidence. It is not me who wants her to make friends with American kids. It is her.

琳0824

虽然我儿子也是5岁多来加拿大,来了之后先是上了2个月的pre-K,然后就是7,8月放假,这两个月我送他去DAYCARE,孩子一样是语言不通的,虽然有这样那样的一些担忧,怕孩子不适应,但总体来说,没有太大问题.

既然孩子的交往个方面都很好,美国也是个比较开放的国家,不存在排斥一个外国孩子的现象,我就是有点不明白,楼主在担忧什么,看你的描述,你们对孩子也没什么不正确的想法,看着都好象挺好的,那到底楼主想解决什么,担忧什么呢?

琳0824

我认为国外的老师对孩子(不管是幼儿园还是小学的老师),是不会很严厉的,只要家长不过分担忧,其实就够了.

Mybaby

All kids went to Pre - K at the same time. The only difference is the other kids stayed full day (from 8 am to 3 pm). My daughter was the only child stayed half day ( The public schools here offer an option of free full day pre-k or half day.) That may cause some problem for her to make friends at school. (3 pm is my little one's napping time. It is illegal for me to leave her alone at home to pick up her older sister. That is the reason we chose half day.)

She only feels no friends in her class. She had playmates but not friends in class, according to what she said. She defined kids who played with her into playmates, friends, best friends. The Koren girl is only her playmate. That girl wanted to be close to her. But she told me they only play and did not chat (That girl's English is not good too).  She thought friends should be more than that.  

Is her requirement too high or not?

琳0824

让孩子自己去认识她的社交环境,这也是她学习的一个过程.

有很多时候,我们家长也代替不了孩子这个学习的过程,孩子一时的SAD,只是她学习的一个片段.

甚至她很快就会忘记,或者很快就会寻找到快乐的方式.

Mybaby

Thank you.

Yeah that is what it should be. I know her negative feeling is very normal and helpful in her life. Please forgive my natural emotional reaction.

Basically I am a kind of "lazy" mom. I doesnot have any expectation to my daughter except that we hope they are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.

"那到底楼主想解决什么,担忧什么呢? "

I am not worried about my daughter. I did not feel she had any problem at all. I just want to talk to somebody because I feel maybe I should be partly responsible for it. Yesterday after they went to sleep, I told my husband about what she said. His reaction is a kind of, you know, he thought of course she felt lack of confidence because we never teach her English at home and when she faced new enviroment , new kids, unknown languages it was tough for her. Of course she felt shy because we only make friends with internationals. Of course she felt hard to get into it because she only went half day and spent less time with them .....

I know he did not mean to blame me. However, it is me to insist only speaking Chinese at home. It is my friends' preference to make friends with international families. It is for my convinent to let her go half day. When I saw she felt sad, I felt a little bit guilty. So I hope I could do something to make her happy (althought it maynot be necessary at all or I'd better be patient and wait for my daughter to figure out how to handle it by herself.)

Yeah you are right I may be too sensitive and not enough calm  down when facing her negative feeling.

琳0824

我觉得楼主是有点焦虑了,孩子在学校或者幼儿园遇到这样那样的事情,这些都只是过程.

尤其是才5岁多的孩子,他们小朋友之间的交流跟我们大人不同,有时候,语言甚至是多余的,他们不需要太多语言的交流,只有半天的时间也没关系.......这些都不会影响到小孩子之间的交往,之所以有这样那样负面的一些情绪,这些我觉得还不至于很严重.

我们家长能做的,一是保障孩子在幼儿园没有特别的伤害(这个一般不会有),二是提供给孩子回家后愉快的生活和活动,三是倾听孩子遭遇的事情,并且给予正面积极的开导,而不是和孩子一起陷进去,甚至比孩子陷得还深.........

如果家庭教育没有太大的问题,学校也没有太大的问题,那么剩下的,就是给孩子时间慢慢适应,找到她自己合适的方式........

爱无言

老爱,我觉得你这开头的话,简直是多余.
琳0824 发表于 2010-6-10 21:53

琳，

很严肃的和你说，你这话让我很不舒服呢！为什么你老是这种语气呢？老实说，回复这里我习惯性的英文好多句了，突然想起你的“嘲讽”，也就怕别的妈妈们觉得我拽英文呢！赶快删掉改成这样的，可还是得来你的这种语气的话！虽然没有多严重，可是不舒服想解决掉，所以告诉你，谢谢！

琳0824

琳，

很严肃的和你说，你这话让我很不舒服呢！为什么你老是这种语气呢？老实说，回复这里我习惯性的英文好多句了，突然想起你的“嘲讽”，也就怕别的妈妈们觉得我拽英文呢！赶快删掉改成这样的，可还是得来你 ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 09:45

你不舒服我也没有办法,不过你捂着嘴的开头那句话,也会让看的人(只说我吧),感觉不舒服.

我嘲讽的,不过是明明用中文更清楚地表白,却要用上英文.

爱无言

Thank you so much for your answer. This is the first time I ask for help here and I am very happy to see it.  

She seldom complained to us and  even if she met the similar situation she only descri ...
Mybaby 发表于 2010-6-10 22:09

不用太客气，我简直就只是把我在这方面受困惑后思索的一些原因或者说心理学方面的知识告诉你，实际真不清楚到底是什么原因的。

刚才我女儿又说不愿意去幼儿园，上次是说没小朋友和她玩，这次说小朋友愿意和她玩，可是和她们玩就得听她们的，她不舒服，她又不愿意自己一个人玩。我一听还是烦躁的，孩子感受到了，乖乖的去了。回来又有点内疚的，孩子在和妈妈表达她的困难的啊！:( 可是刚才一到幼儿园，她又和小朋友那么热情的就在一起了，who knows? 不过，我也注意到一个细节，她在离开家之前挑了一本贴画，一去就引起了两个小女孩的注意，着急着要她分给她们。她拿着不肯分，我也能感觉到这样孩子就觉得其他孩子围着她不离开她了。就这点来说，她还是焦虑的，她紧张很怕别人舍她而去。我不得不承认，孩子的这种紧张担心还是源自于我的潜意识的影响的。虽然我一般也不会感觉到这点潜意识，可是我在几次做心理治疗时，我还是很深的感觉到这点的，平时我很隔离情感，很理智，可潜意识深处我的情感聚集着压抑着，会有很多的恐惧怕自己没有情感，得不到情感。

举我自己的体会只是想告诉你，一般我们的意识层面越是注意到的刻意让自己在做的，也不觉得自己缺乏的，往往潜意识里是相反的，也就是说我们实际上是不认识自己的。

孩子总在帮我们认识自己。

祝福你们！

爱无言

你不舒服我也没有办法,不过你捂着嘴的开头那句话,也会让看的人(只说我吧),感觉不舒服.

我嘲讽的,不过是明明用中文更清楚地表白,却要用上英文.
琳0824 发表于 2010-6-11 09:56

明白了，呵呵，那你对谁感觉她的话不舒服了，都会这样直接的就“嘲讽”回去吗？

如果我和你对话时让你这样不舒服了，那你可以这样子“嘲讽”回来，这里我和楼主妈妈说话，她没有感觉到，你看可以克制一下吗？:)

否则这种公共场合，我们这样子也会让别人不舒服。我找到的这个方法，你觉得怎样？

琳0824

明白了，呵呵，那你对谁感觉她的话不舒服了，都会这样直接的就“攻击”回去吗？

如果我和你对话时让你这样不舒服了，那你可以这样子“攻击”回来，这里我和楼主妈妈说话，她没有感觉到，你看可以克制一下吗？ ...
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 10:02

我说了句"多余",你认为就是"攻击"么?

你这"攻击"二字,实在是欲加之罪啊!

你怕别人嘲讽,却可以捂着嘴嘲讽别人.......楼主介意不介意,那是她的事,反正我看了,就想要说一说"开头那一句是多余"........

本来就是多余嘛,还捂个嘴.........;P

爱无言

哎，我带着引号呢！你喜欢什么词，我换一个？ 你自己都说嘲讽呢！这嘲讽还不是一种“攻击”啊？;P

琳0824

哎，我带着引号呢！你喜欢什么词，我换一个？ 你自己都说嘲讽呢！这嘲讽还不是一种“攻击”啊？;P
爱无言 发表于 2010-6-11 10:09

随便啦,你想怎么说就怎么说好了,引号不引号,也无所谓的,是不?

爱无言

好了，这下子改了。 不和你继续这个话题了，我可不想歪了人家的楼。8！:$